Zito's World

Tourettes Guy = Comedy Gold

I have no idea how widespread this guy's videos have become, so for all I know I'm the last person to discover them, but this is the funniest thing I've seen on the internet in a long, long time. It's the sort of thing you think about randomly a couple of hours after you see it and start laughing again, leading the people around you to believe you are crazy.

Moving Day

Zito's World is officially being retired. I'm joining forces with my friend Jeff on a new blog called Mostly Safe For Work, which is up and running. Now all I need to do is figure out how to tranfer archived posts from one blog to the other. I hate technology sometimes.

What The Hell is Going On?

I just saw something that perfectly illustrates just how crazy the college football season has been so far. Illinois, which had lost 30 of their previous 32 Big Ten games prior to this year, is listed as a 2.5 point favorite this weekend against undefeated, #5 in the country Wisconsin. Huh?

And I want to pass on a link to an advertisement that mad me laugh. Enjoy.

p.s. Here's one other video from the same website. This is bizarre.

A New Dilemma

This year is the first time I have experienced a new class as a teacher. What I mean is that as a second year teacher, I have never before had to adjust to a group of kids with an entirely new dynamic and collective personality than the class from the year before. Though it seems an obvious thing, this wasn't something I was prepared for as the school year began. Now, more than a month into the year, I am constantly amazed by the drastic differences between the two classes.

Last year's group of boys were obsessed with sports, particularly football. They all played together on a rec team, and in all likelihood they will continue to play together all the way through high school. The girls were split into two groups, one group was more studious and their main interest seemed to be reading fantasy novels, and one whose main interest was socializing. Cliquishness was not a problem for the most part, and the boy/girl dynamics that characterize the middle school years didn't emerge until very late in the year.

This year's boys are primarily skaters. Long hair, junior Jackass-esque antics, and general silliness prevail. Some of the boys are astonishingly immature, even to the point of baby talking in a manner that is embarrassing to witness. The girls are again split into two groups, but they are much different from the two groups from last year. There is a group of ultra-tomboyish girls who all play sports together and are at the age where they are actually athletically superior to most of the boys due to different developmental timelines, and there is a group of social girls who fawn over the skater boys and are constantly flirting or gossiping. Cliques are already rampant among both sexes.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about these differences, and there is one thing in particular that I've been struggling with quite a bit. I can already tell that several of the aformentioned skater boys are headed for trouble. Some combiniation of drinking, drugs, general mischief, and poor schoolwork all seem likely. This worries me a great deal and I feel a strong sense of responsibility to try to keep them from self-destructing, but at times I can't help but feel that my efforts are somewhat futile. Once they move on from fifth grade, my influence will be drastically reduced, and besides that, teenagers are going to get into trouble regardless. It's just how things work. Like many people, I found trouble with the help of all of the aforementioned vices during my formative years. I suppose this is how parents feel as they try to usher their children safely through puberty and adolescence. You can do your best to try to keep them on the right track, but ultimately they have to make their own decisions in life. This lack of control is frightening, especially when the kids are already showing signs of trouble to come. I suppose all I can do is provide them with a positive role model, and be an ally when things get rough so that my small part in shaping who they are, and who they will eventually become, might help them come out the other side of this crazy time in their lives intact and relatively unscathed.

I'm not sure if this has been even moderately coherent, or if I just diarrheaed random, halfway developed thoughts onto the page, but I can't seem to escape thinking about this issue of late, so at least this helped me come part of the way towards understanding and crystallizing my views on the situation.

-T      

My latest Distraction

lately, I've had an odd compulsion to think of as many movies as I can from the first half of my lifetime so I can rewatch them and see how my new impressions square with the memories of my youth. Before I could pursue this, I felt I first had to establish some loose criteria to help me focus my search, and here's what I came up with - I can't have seen the movie since my first viewing, the movie must be ten years old or more, it must be at least moderately obscure (it counts if it was big at the time but has since been mostly forgotten), and it's a bonus if I already know the movie is genuinely bad. Those are some of my favorites, the ones that I know are bad, but I love them despite that fact. So without further ado, here is my barely thought out list of mediocre, ten+ year old, semi-obscure to totally obscure movies to rewatch...

Oh, and I did some meticulous research to find an interesting fact about almost every movie. By meticulous research I mean I read the trivia page for each movie on imdb.com to see what it said.

My Boyfriend's Back - Aside from the fact that I remember this movie being the epitome of rediculous awesomeness, it also stands out for having perhaps the most small roles filled by future stars. Philip Seymore Hoffman, Matthew Fox, and Matthew McConaughey all have parts ranging from very small to, in McConaughey's case, being credited as Guy #2.

Cold Blooded - All I remember from this movie is the exchange Jason Priestley's hitman character has with his shrink, in which he responds to a question about his love life with the unforgettable line, "I have been seeing the same hooker for awhile." That's enough for me.

Men at Work - Aside from the brilliant and unappreciated Dean Cameron playing the pizza guy, this movie also pissed off the Japanese garbage collectors' union for its disparaging portrayal of trash collectors. That has to count for something, right?

Julian Po - Basically, this movie - which is about a man who arrives in a small town bent on suicide, thereby inciting a paparazzi-like ferver amongst the locals, all of whom are curious and want to watch him do the deed - is wierd enough to be memorable, and I've never made it to the ending for some reason so I'm damned curious.

Ski School - This was the first movie that held the title of "Funniest Movie of All Time" in my mind, thanks to the brilliance of Dean Cameron. It also didn't hurt that Boner Stabone from Growing Pains was the sidekick. I fully expect to be severely disappointed when I watch this movie now that I'm not thirteen, but I'm gonna give it a shot.

Reckless Kelly - I've always been fascinated by Yahoo Serious. From whatever info I can find on the guy, he's an uncompromising artist who will only pursue a project if he is intimately involved with every detail and he truly believes in its merit. Yet his film credits include only three movies, all of which are utterly absurd. I've seen Young Einstein a million times, I just bought Mr. Accident from the bargain bin at Movie Trading Company, so I'll get to that soon, but I don't remember much about Reckless Kelly, and I feel like I should.

Stay Tuned - I'm not sure how I can explain the greatness of this movie. In a nutshell, a TV addicted couple buys a special satellite from the devil which ultimately sucks them into a strange and sinister TV land. Their dorky son then has to try to track them through the TV back in the real world and try to help them escape. Despite all of this wierdness, the strangest thing is that apparently the movie was inspired by an episode of Unsolved Mysteries. Huh? Oh, and I had a huge crush on Pam Dawber after watching it.

Mom And Dad Save The World - This is the epitome of a movie that is so bad it's good...at least to me. I'm a sucker for Jon Lovitz playing an idiot (which is pretty much all he plays) and Kathy Ireland made any movie watchable in the early/mid nineties. I acknowledge that I deserve any and all abuse that comes my way as a result of endorsing this movie.

Undercover Blues - Honestly, I don't remember hardly anything about this movie except being terribly amused by Stanley Tucci's character "Muerte"'s constant aggravation over the frequent mispronunciation of his name as "Morty". It was also Dave Chappelle's second movie role, following his unforgettable turn as Ahchoo in Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

Backdraft - I just remember this movie kicking ass, so I need to see it again. There are also two bits of interesting trivia regarding this film. The first is that the soundtrack was later used in the TV show Iron Chef. The second is that Billy Baldwin beat out Brad Pitt for the lead role, which forced him to break his contract to play J.D. in Thelma and Louise, which Pitt was then hired for, which turned him into a star.

The Great White Hype - Between early Jamie Foxx, Jon Lovitz, the racist trainer, and Peter Berg, this movie still cracks me up when I think about it. It's about time I revisit it.

Howard The Duck - Where to start? There are so many things to love and/or hate about this movie that I'm not gonna even try. If you're like me and you can't resist the allure of bad cinema, this is a must see. An alien midget-sized duck does battle with an intergalactic Dark Overlord to save our planet. Who green lighted this project? George Lucas spent $2,000,000 on the duck outfit alone. Yes, $2,000,000 dollars. He then proceeded to lose $21,000,000 on the movie overall, forcing him to sell his company's fledgling CGI department to Steve Jobs to stay afloat. That nascent CGI venture is now Pixar Studios.

I feel the need to limit myself to twelve movies in this list because it really could continue forever, but the rest of my hastily researched list includes Love and Death On Long Island, Timecop, Necessary Roughness, The Paper, Dick Tracy, Johnny Dangerously, The Getaway (at 14, seeing Kim Basinger disrobe was a life changing experience. Just a fact.), Hiding Out, The Arrival, The Hudsucker Proxy, and Serial Mom.

-T

p.s. Should anyone read this and have any suggestions about movies that fit this mold, please let me know. I'm on a mission.

Segway Polo?

This is very odd.

I'm Obsessed

It has finally happened to me. I resisted for years, but I've finally been overcome by the lure of fantasy football. I still have no interest in NFL fantasy, but my college teams are more than enough to occupy way, way too much of my time; more time than I could ever justify spending on sports during the week. The first sign of trouble was shortly after my first draft some weeks ago. It was such an exhilirating experience that I immediately signed up for two more public leagues just so I could do two more drafts. I now spend at least an hour each day - and often much more - micromanaging my squads to an absurd extent. Trades, signing free agents, researching matchups - these things will almost certainly lead to my eventual ruin. Losing my job and my girlfriend over this are turning into real possibilities. Well, perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, but it definitely pisses my girlfriend off; and the sick part is that I have no defense. I freely admit that I have a problem, how could I not? Do they have fantasy sports rehab? Are there twelve steps I can follow? I may have to turn to alcohol to break away from my fantasy leagues much like alcoholics sometimes rely on cigarettes to help them stop drinking. Twenty years from now when I am a broken shell of a man standing on a street corner, I will remember this moment in time as the point where it all began to unravel.

-T

I'm Sad To Be Blogging About The VMAs

I am disappointed to be giving the VMAs even this much attention, but I just watched Britney Spears' performance on youtube and it was pretty astonishing. Does anyone have any doubt at this point that she is heavily addicted to drugs? Honestly, I feel really bad for her. Watching her "sing" and "dance" at the VMAs, I couldn't help but think that putting her on stage in that condition and with that choreography had to be the work of cynical handlers who couldn't care less about her well-being. It seemed like they collectively decided "We all know Britney's off the deep end, so let's make her as slutty as possible and prop her up with lots of other dancers to try to sell one more album." What a shame.

Week Two Reactions

The college football season is only two weeks old and it's already turning out to be one of those years to expect the unexpected, which is bad news for someone who tends to gamble a wee bit too much. Not that I know anybody like that. Regardless, it's been a lot of fun to watch and I'm already excited to see what surprises are in store for next week. Without further ado here are some things that stood out to me from week two's action...

It appears that three teams are beginning to seperate from the preseason pack: Oklahoma, LSU, and USC. It's hard to exaggerate how impressive OU was in destroying Miami in Norman. That their defense held The U's pop gun offense to just 13 points wasn't surprising, but putting 51 on the board against a very good defense was pretty amazing. Freshman quarterback Sam Bradford has been out of control in his first two games, completing 40 of 48 passes for over 550 yards and eight touchdowns. LSU has been even more impressive, beating two BCS conference opponents by an average score of 46-3, including a 48-7 drubbing of #9 Va. Tech last night. Admittedly, that win would have looked a lot better before the season started as Tech has yet to show they belong in the top 25 let alone the top 10, but it was still awfully convincing. Apologies to Florida, Penn State, and perhaps West Virginia, who have all looked terrific, but I believe are still a step behind.

There were several coaching decisions throughout the day that either made me cringe or yell obsceneties at the TV screen, depending on the game. Without getting into specific moments from this weekend, I want to take a moment to vent about one particularly illogical move that is all too common in both the NCAA and the NFL. It's when a team that has played good defense all game long comes out in the "prevent" formation when protecting a lead late in the game. Instead of trusting their defense that has held the opposing team's offense in check for three plus quarters, these coaches decide to freely give up large chunks of yardage in exchange for running off a little of the clock. The endings of these games are frequently way more interesting than they ought to be. It drives me crazy; especially when the easy touchdown allowed by the prevent ruins the pointspread, which happens all too often, dammit.

Western Kentucky went up 49-0 after the first quarter on the way to an 87-0 victory over a fearsome West Virginia Tech squad. What are they, division nine? Anyway, I was rooting for 100.

Texas woke up from a four and a half game slumber just in time to avoid being upset by TCU. Still, if they are going to have a chance against OU on October 6 they need to get better fast.

Louisiana Tech had by far the worst defense in the country last year by almost every measure. Hawaii has a record setting offense the likes of which college football has rarely seen. So how did La. Tech hold the Rainbows to just 38 points in regulation on the way to an amazing upset that almost was? Beats the hell out of me. If Hawaii is invited to play in a BCS bowl game this year they are going to get murdered by somebody. I'm very prejudiced against them because their offense is gimmicky and most of all because they scheduled two 1-AA opponents for this year.

Wisconsin is way overrated. I wouldn't be surprised if they lose three or four games this year.

Perhaps no one in history has been more of a lame duck than Lloyd Carr is at this point. I almost feel bad for the guy. But not quite.

Speaking of coaches on the hot seat, I don't quite understand the talk of Charlie Weis' job being in jeopardy. He has been at Notre Dame for two seasons and been to BCS bowls both years. The Irish are going to be below .500 this year, but with Jimmy Clausen and the other youngsters on the team getting some experience they should be much improved next year and beyond. If the brass at Notre Dame really are considering canning Weis if this year goes badly (which it will), then they have developed a very distorted view of their program at this point. It is no longer among the most elite programs in the country, and as long as the coaches have to deal with higher admissions requirements than most schools it will be extremely difficult to get back to that level. Two BCS bowls in three years should be cause for celebration, not cause for the coach to be unemployed.

Texas A&M has some sort of built in mediocrity gene that makes them play to the level of their competition every week. It doesn't matter if the team they're playing is winless or undefeated, the game will probably come down to the final five minutes. 

Go Cocks!!! I predicted that my Gamecocks would finally earn a marquee win this year, so beating Georgia in Athens made me happy for multiple reasons. Now, like everyone back in Columbia, It's time to get carried away with reckless optimism! If things go well, now that Tennessee is looking vulnerable, we can go into the Arkansas, Florida, Clemson threesome at the end of the schedule at 8-1. If we can somehow, someway manage a miracle victory at LSU in two weeks, we could be 9-0! I can smell it, we're almost there! Realistically, though, ten wins is not out of the question at this point, though eight or nine is still more likely.

This may just be a semantic argument, but the Appy State win at Michigan was not the biggest upset ever. It may have been the biggest shocker ever, insofar as no one saw it coming, but the Mountaineers are a legitimate top 25 caliber D-1 squad. Unlike, for example, the miserable 0-6 Temple team that beat then #10 Virginia Tech despite being a 38.5 point underdog and being down 17-0 in 1998. That was a much bigger upset.

That's all I got. Can't wait until week three.

-T

Interesting...

This brief story is morbid and disturbing and absurdly funny all at once - though I doubt the goats found it amusing.